Sunday, September 04, 2005

fuck time warner; apologies, apologies; har mar superstar = me?

well. it's been a while. and while i offer apologies all around on behalf of yours truly, it really isn't my fault. upon returning from vacation we discovered that our internet was down. we called time warner, did everything they suggested, and even went to their office to swap out our modem. nothing. so we made an appointment for a technician to come out. and another and another. finally, after four no-shows and a lot of sitting near the doorbell and the telephone, i almost shit myself when a technician actually did come out and tinker with the line, divulging, in the process, some of the more sinister practices of his fellow techs ("yeah, if they see "please call" on a work order, they're pretty much not going to call, unless it's a number they know you won't be at").

so we finally have internet access again, and, after being dicked around by countless supervisors and call center jockeys, i have a good mind to report the whole lot of 'em to the better business bureau and the state attorney general, in much more professional language than that elucidated here, in the vain hope that something might actually get done about it. if nothing else, i think i can cuss and scream my way into free internet service for the remainder of 2005.

as it stands, i can't switch services, as time warner seems to enjoy a monopoly in this region for high speed cable internet access.

before this whole debacle, i made a promise to reveal the identity of a certain vegan rockstar, and while i'm sure they exist (no doubt PETA can point the way for you), i need to come clean about something. in so doing, however, i can make another promise, that accompanying my confession is an amusing anecdote worth sticking around for. really, i promise.

so we were in long beach, staying with my mother-in-law after seeing har mar superstar takin' back charge at the knitting factory in hollywood. we played her some select cuts from the har mar canon, then appealed to his website in an attempt to better explain the enigma that is sean tillman's latest incarnation. having pacified her with my wife's laptop, we continued to go about the business of making breakfast. she explored the site with the all the zeal of a gold-hungry conquistador in peru, but, as it turns out, is not very computer savvy.

she told us as we were packing up our things that, on har mar's website, she had found a section that offered restaurant reviews, vegan recipes, and the like. "he even reviewed that place in canoga park and said that a vegan omelette really is possible." damn, i thought, that's cool, i'll have to send him a link to the surly vegan...

now, you probably know where this is going, but i was road-weary, tired, and, since i'm admitting so much already, sort of giddy at the possibility of befriending (perhaps impressing?) the handler. but, as it turns out, i'm not so bright. probably i'm not getting enough omega-3 fatty acids or something like that. my mother-in-law, i'm afraid, has no such excuse. she'd haplessly clicked on the bookmark on my wife's menu bar marked, you guessed it, "the surly vegan." so in fact i am the celebrity vegan in question, destined to meet mr. tillman once every few years in a parking lot or a club as a friend of a friend, myself in the role of totally forgettable blogger dork.


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