Tuesday, September 27, 2005

gettin' mugged on a tuesday night...

Well, you know what they say, two fer tuesdays, so maybe that's why I got punched twice in the same spot after getting mugged by not one but two fifteen year old fuckers on bikes this evening. In case you hadn't guessed, this post will lack recipes, restaurant reviews, or even the most cursory reference to tempeh.

My wife and I decided to abandon our statistics homework in favor of a late walk to the library (Hosmer, for those Minneapolitans among us who might be keeping track at home), to return this fantastic CD called "Dub Chill Out", featuring the music of one Lee "Scratch" Perry, King Tubby, Augustus Pablo and others. On the way their, three kids on bikes rode past and let me know that "she" (my wife, presumably), "has a nice ass". Since I already knew about it, I didn't feel the need to respond, but my wife was quick with the "shut the fuck up", and I was impressed. Even after the kid said, "fuck you, bitch," it really seemed desperate, like he was caught with his pants down, and we rejoiced in our victory, all the while making sure they weren't waiting for us down the street.

And they weren't. We returned the CD and headed for home. It's a nice fall night in the Twin Cities, and so lots of kids are out on bikes. I work at a high school for at-risk youth, so I already know that living "in the thirties" puts us smack dab in Blood territory, so I try not to fuck around with the young set if I can help it. Right before we turned the corner to our street (our block, no less), we noticed some other kids on bikes behind us. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure they weren't the same ones from before, and they weren't, so I think it's safe to say that we both breathed a sigh of relief. One kid asked for a lighter "Hey...hey! Do you got a lighter?", and since we didn't, we told him so, even apologizing for not being able to help out. Turns out he was just sizing me up. We turned on to our block, even playing it safe and crossing kiddy-corner to our side of the street to put some space between us and the young ruffians. No matter. It wasn't long before I here, "hey, I'm coming on your left," and just as I was debating about whether or not I should offer that I usually make a point to ride in the street so that I don't have to announce my whereabouts to pedestrians, which quickly became a moot point when I took a hard fist to the jaw. NIce. That kid kept riding, I guess I went down on one knee and held my face, and the other little fuck rode up on us. "What, are you going to hit me now, too?" No reply, so I repeated myself, you know, just in case (who knows why they do what they do in these situations...for example, why did my wife say "bitch, leave us alone"?). He then said he had a gun and asked his friend whether or not he should "pull it out" (the innuendo isn't lost on me, even in my current state).

Now, here's what I know, or at least think I probably know, about people who carry guns. Probably if they have a gun to pull, they pull it, instead of threatening to pull it or talking to their friend about the pros and cons of pulling it. But you really never know, and even if they're fifteen, there's two of them, and you don't know how to fight at all, and you don't mind telling the internet that, at this point, you're scared shitless.

So I just asked the kid what he wanted, pointing out that we didn't do anything to them, you know, again, just in case they were, as they say, "soft as cake". Having already been punched, I should have taken this as an indication that they were, in fact, hard.

The kid said he wanted my money and that I should empty my pockets. I threw my wallet down, he told me again to empty my pockets, and I fingered the key for the car we just spent $14,000 on in April, left it in my pocket, and explained that my wallet was all I have and would they just take it and leave us alone?

They did, but not before the first kid delivered an identical punch to the same spot in my jaw (thankfully, because that's less of my face that's fucked up, I have a fat face, and my nose, eyes, and glasses were spared), this time knocking me on my ass.

We ran the half block home and called the cops, completely demoralized and with a newfound fear of our neighborhood. We love our neighborhood, and love going on walks at night. We're pretty cool with our landlords, so tomorrow we're going to call them and explain about how we need to buy a dog so that we can feel safe in the neighborhood, offering whatever deposit or blood oath they might require. I'm tempted to link to this amazing nearly deaf American Stafford something-or-other, but then I'd hate to have to blame my audience for stealing it out from under a mugging victim if we aren't able to get it, so just sit tight and I'll keep you posted.

I'm okay, just disappointed more than anything. I wonder if we should have ran, or called out, or attempted to fight back, and mostly I'm so grateful they left my wife alone and that I didn't get hurt more. Just a little bit of swelling, and I'm taking tomorrow off. What's more is that I'm totally mindful that if these kids keep fucking up, eventually they'll end up at the high school I work at, and I know where there's some little rooms where they can get the personal attention their behavior requires. This from someone who generally identifies with pacifism. I guess that's where generally becomes a pretty damn important word.

But let's face it, I'm all talk, and everybody knows I'm not going to hurt anyone. I feel guilty clapping fruitflies to death. I guess all I can do is get this dog and work out more.

So learn what you can from this, I guess. I hate to think everyone has to be afraid, but please do be smart, and be safe, because it's a horrible feeling, I can promise you that.

Those squash recipes will come tomorrow, I promise. Thanks for allowing this diversion from the topic.


Blogger sui generis said...

That's shit, man. Sorry to hear it. You absolutely did the right thing in that situation, though. I hope you heal up fast and don't run into those two again.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Nathan said...

Teh suck. I continue to not understand this kind of thing. I suspect that with your work you know more but I couldn't guess whether that would make it better or worse when this kind of thing happens.


4:29 PM  

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